So what’s this mumbo jumbo about Mayan calendars and the end of the world? I don’t pay attention to
the classic crackpots with the signs saying ‘The End is Nigh,’ so this should
come as no surprise when I have to cry BULLSCHEISSE! and let slip the dogs of
sanity. Everyone with half a brain knows
that the fuckin’ world ain’t gonna end any time soon. And if it did, would it be forecast by ass
clowns on a mud hut pyramid 2000 years ago between human sacrifices? And then, would it be all of sudden
like? Ka-BOOM!?
Entropy takes its sweet time. It’s a one way ticket to midnight, all going down. You see, all matter breaks down
into lesser forms of matter over time. The
ice in your glass melts in the hot room, your car runs itself into the ground and
the food in your mouth gets reduced into inert matter (aka scheisse). Can the End of the World™ happen in one
day? Only in the minds of religious
freaks and other weak minded, superstitious fools. The fundamentalist born again Christians
believe that they will literally be yanked by the hair by Jesus up into the
clouds. They call this The End Times,
The Rapture, and some other gobbledygook I couldn’t quite follow in Sunday
school. Some of those weaker minded fools in
the church who couldn’t quite grok it grew up, grew a beard, drew a sign and
did the Thorazine Shuffle on Main Street.
Religious nuts and other feeble minded people believe the
most ludicrous things. Global warming
doesn’t exist in the conservative, religious mind. Because the earth doesn’t matter; belongs to
Satan, it does. Jesus will yank all
those believers up by their hair into Heaven.
The rest of us will have to deal with the Zombie Apocalypse. Or Satan and his minions. One of those two events.
We love endings. In
films, happy ones. In real life,
apparently, we only want the whole fucking thing to fall apart—suddenly—so we
don’t have to think about our own individual oblivion. If everyone is going with you into the abyss
at once, it ain’t so lonely now, is it?
Think of the huge popularity of the zombie films. The first zombie films had them taking over
the small town malls. Now every other
film and tv show that’s NOT about vampires is about zombies taking over the
world. All of it. From Tokyo
to Tennessee. A few years ago
when facebook was new, I hit the ‘like’ button on something called ‘The Zombie Apocalypse.’ It was an event I could
attend. I think the date is coming soon,
probably right around the time the Mayans ran out of calendar pages. I like a good social parody and the Zombie
Walk flash mobs you hear about. I’m
hoping that I’ll open my door soon and see my zombie neighbor eating my
landlord. That will be a most excellent
start for the end of the world for me.
Then I don’t have to pay rent, YEEE-HAAAWWWW!!!
Mayans, shmayans.
What did they know? Nice pyramids, nice hot sauce, nice human sacrifice.
The irony was that the real end of the Mayan world happened five minutes after
they wrote the calendar. It was off by a
few thousand years; it was just over the hills, sporting metal helmets,
spearheads and the Spanish language. I
suspect these conquistadors even had a dusty bible or two in their luggage.
Things fall apart; it’s scientific.
