Monday, November 30, 2009



I bought another black, beat up, flea market piece o' crap bike.  The first one was stolen just 3 weeks after I had bought it.  I simpered, I whined, I blogged about it.  The blog included a completely unrelated video of the Bicycle song by Queen.  It was catharsis with a Capital ARSE.  Damn it felt good.

Now I have another one.  It is black.  It is beat up.  The lights don't work and the brakes are sheise, just like my previous bike (sob, sniff).  So I decided to take my new/old bike on a long  ride in the German and Polish countryside.  Or rather, that was decided for me.  As I mentioned in my previous bike blog:  I ONLY OWN A BIKE TO CARRY BEER CRATES ON THE BACK RACK.  But someone dared me, nay, DOUBLE* dared me.  Anyone sense a theme here (crap, db, you say 'double,' 'deux' and 'second hand' more than anyone I know)?

We had planned to go on a day trip to Poland for pierogi and vodka, as you do from time to time when you get tired of the BILLIONS of things to do in Berlin.  There was to be a stop in a German village or two for castle and countryside snapshots.  Being a photo dude, I opted in.  One hour before the train was scheduled to depart, I got a message which read, 'Listen, bitch, git yo honky ass on yo bike and bring it wit yo dumb ass to da train, nigga.'  Actually, the message was 'They said you had a bike, bring it with you', but a British person in the group told an American in the group that I had a bike and the translation went completely downhill from there.  Then it got filtered through my fragile ego as a dare.  Hence the careless use of the N word.

So, here is a picture of  my NEW/OLD bike.  Note the old scratched out paint at the top of the photo:  '63.5 km to Berlin.'  I would like to say that I biked all that way and took a brief pause to take a photo.  But nobody would believe a man who has a jelly donut for an avatar.

*Sponsored by DOUBLEMINT Gum.  MMMMMmmmmmm.  MMmmmmMINTY.

Sunday, November 29, 2009


Thanks for the donut, dear blog reader.  I did in fact have several donuts and a large coffee the day after someone clicked on the BUY ME A DONUT button located on the right side of this blog.  However, I didn't rush right out and throw words to the blogroll as I said I would when I issued my begging  plea for donuts and coffee in the previous blog.  I was distracted.  The day after that blog, I turned 43.  Not an unusual number, but for some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks and I had to be off the radar for a few days.  I am now shopping around for my Official Midlife Crisis Tattoo.  I have no tattoos.  I was holding out.  I wanted to be the last kid on the block with a tattoo.  Then the Midlife Crisis hit me (whatever the fuck that is).  So now, dear blog readers, what kind of ink should I slap on my lily white skin?  A giant donut with 'Berlin Uber Alles' in Gothic font?  Or maybe just 'Official Midlife Crisis Tattoo' between the love handles?

Monday, November 16, 2009


A dearly departed friend o' mine once commented that I had certain 'Homer Simpson-like qualities' that he admired.  I suppose he meant one or more of my personal traits that Mr. Simpson might exhibit in any given episode, such as: A) The way in which I say 'beeeeerrrrr', B) How a jelly donut causes an actual Pavlov's Dog salivation reaction in my mouth.

I'm not a sweet tooth by nature, nor am I by any means 'starving' over here in Planet Berlin, but I just decided that blogs need fuel, and nothing fuels a good ole comedic rant like a Real Live Berliner Jelly Donut.  So I've decided to completely WHORE MYSELF and put a 'donate' button on my blog.  If you have somehow come across these words, and by some strange miracle have read through to the end of the rant/parody/satirical experiment, and by some even larger miracle have ACTUALLY had a chuckle or a smile, or even an LOL moment, please feed me a donut.  My donate button is located on the top right.  If you send me some donut money (like a buck or two), I promise to stuff it in my face and start a fresh fury of feverishly fluff filled blogging that only a man with hypoglycemia and too much time on his hands can unleash.  And if I'm feeling particularly saucy, I may add A LARGE COFFEE to that jelly donut and REALLY CUT LOOSE.

By helping me fuel my donut addiction, you save an old lady from having her handbag snatched outside a Berlin bakery.  The 'BUY ME A DONUT' button is located by my profile on the top right side of this blog.  Click today, I munch away tomorrow morning!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Soggy Happy People Holding Hands

Berlin Mauer Mob Braves Rain and Darkness to Form a Human Chain

It’s nearly impossible to get me out to photograph the constant stream of events, protests, demonstrations and celebrations which occur in Berlin. Usually my excuse is either my fear/hatred of crowds or the long, boring walking and standing required while waiting for something interesting to happen. But on November 9, 2009, a group of people decided to get together and form a human chain of hand-holding people several kilometers long. They decided to do this on the 20 Jahre Mauerfall, or the 20th Anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. They decided to do this in the pouring rain in the pitch darkness. My curiosity was piqued. I went down to the nearby Bornholmer Street Bridge, a former checkpoint site in the former Berlin Wall. I knew that my camera would get wet and the photos would come out dark and crappy.

But I went anyway. I just had to see if the idealistic, hand holding hippies would actually show up. As it happened, many people showed up—and not just hippies in need of a shower from above. There were all types of people of all ages, all of them getting wet in their group effort to symbolize the wall falling. The Mauer mob group was organized by some idealistic artist and may or may not have been connected to any of the Flash Mob events which occur in Berlin and other places. At the Bornholmer Street Bridge, many people also lay candles and flowers on a memorial marker.