PIMP MY DOG

Well, it’s actually my girlfriend’s dog, but as a gift to her, I would like to present her pooch in cyberspace with the intention of Pimping the Dog. And when I say ‘Pimp My Dog’ I don’t mean it in the sense of Pimp My Ride or Pimp My Bride. If we were to add a different word to the phrase to make it more accessible to the Ebonically challenged and the Super Honky, I would say this:

I do not want to pimp my dog UP, i.e., dress him up in bling bling and loud purple fur clothing.



I would like to pimp my dog OUT, i.e. get him LAID. Soon.


My girlfriend is so desperate to get her dog some bitch booty that she is ready to PAY some dog prostitution firm (pet whorehouse) in the Czech Republic up to 100 EUROS to get her doggie laid. There was no use trying to tell her that humans get laid in Prague for less. It’s a losing argument. The dog must get laid. Period. The nightmares are starting. I just had one the other night, wherein the dog in question was so desperate that he was anally raping another male dog while my girlfriend and her brother held the poor ‘catcher’ down and cheered the ‘pitcher’ on with loud, colorful Czech swearing. I felt bad for the both of the poor little bastards. So if you would like to save our dog from the kind of sexual repression seen only in the worst case scenarios of the Catholic priesthood, please help us pimp out this dog.

‘So why don’t you just take the dog to the park and let him run free and let nature take its course?’ you might ask. Well, this poor little old doggie is pushing 10 years old. And he’s a Czech dog. And as a recent immigrant to the land of Big Bad Nazi Dogs and their pathetic little weasel owners (who let their dogs run free to attack anything and everything), our poor little doggie has already been attacked three times. Once he was bitten so badly that he had to go to the vet and get stitches. So we are just a wee bit leery of letting the local German Shepherds take a bite of our little sausage dog. I can fully understand the dog’s dilemma. A few weeks ago I was attacked by a random Turkish yoot on a U bahn train. To this day I find my weekly kebab to have a slightly sour taste.

      HUNDCHEN:

NAME: Black (because black is IN, baby!)

WEIGHT: 10 kilos

AGE: Gettin’ pretty fuckin’ old

BREED: Mix of Daschund and Doberman

STAR SIGN: What are you, a fucking HIPPY?

LIKES: Neck and chest rubs, long moonlit walks in the park, begging for food, white bitches

DISLIKES: Large male German dogs, cops (which is so COOL), being cooped up in the flat

How can you RESIST this little HUNDCHEN???  If you have a dog you would like to parade in front of this bad black pimpalicious specimen of canine pimpitude, please add a comment with some pix of the bitch and Black will be happy to respond.

Pooch pics by Gabriela Sarževska; purple pimp dog photo 'borrowed.'