Thursday, January 20, 2011

German Toilets, Emasculation and Film School for Scheisse Videos

It was only a matter of time before I broached the subject.   I was going to breach the subject, break on through to the other side; leave it leaking, as it were.  But my deliberate malapropisms merely confuse people.  Perhaps it’s the redneck accent in which I deliver the news.

I’m avoiding again; sorry.  Okay:  shit, piss, pinkel and sheisse.  There, I’ve gone and said it.  I’ve had to drink and eat large amounts of beer and donuts while living in Berlin.  As a result, I’ve had to look at the ridiculous sticker on my toilet lid for quite a while now:  the silhouette of the peeing man with the line through him, the ‘don’t pee standing’ sticker, or the ‘keinenpinkelnbestandungschweinhund’ as it simply said in simple German.  Of course this must have been left by the previous tenants, no doubt a fine German family of upstanding social status and non-standing pissing status, a family with a large, strong woman who beat her poor, emasculated-post-war-Moby-maybe-man with her terrible swift loo brush.

Then someone told me that it was normal for German men to sit down while peeing, that it was necessary to avoid the splash of urine onto the sacred seat above.  Right.  The country known for its uber-efficiency in ALL OTHER THINGS designed this paltry device:  The Trophy Toilet.  It’s that peculiar flat shelf directly in the center of the toilet where normally there would be a wide open space full of a gallon of water.  It’s what we in the West have been using since the barn and the outhouse.  We went directly from crapping in a hole in the ground to the Powerflush 2000.  I once read that a measure of a culture is in the way it deals with its waste products.  A lot can be said about a culture which moves too quickly.  Perhaps we missed a great deal of culture when we decided that it was better to mask, drown and dispose of our waste as quickly as possible.  Maybe the Germans were onto something when they decided to keep their waste hovering directly below the lid for easy inspection and diagnosis of all the nut and corn content of their fibrous feces.

Sure, it had to be a logical, medical, holistic reason that the flat shelf was there, hoisting my gawdawful anal progeny high above the low water mark where it can choke me with the stench, or when standing to pee, splash back with a thrust in direct proportion to the amount of beer I had consumed.  There can be no other explanation for this uber-inefficiency, this blatant disregard for culture from the culture who gave us so much, y’know….culture.  UNLESS…

American Culture Answers German Culture: The South Park German Sheisse Video.

[person speaking German on "cliteris" website]
Kyle: Dude, it's a lady getting pooed on!
Stan: Whoa! Is it Cartman's mom?
Cartman: Oh, very funny!
Kyle: Hey! It IS Cartman's mom!
Mrs. Cartman: [man speaking German on computer] All righty then!
Cartman: SON OF A BI...
Cartman: AHHH!
Ike: [bounces in] Ba ba ba ba.
Kyle: Get out of here, Ike. You're too young for this stuff!
Ike: Bullshit.
Stan: What's she doing now?
German: Essen meine scheisse.
Mrs. Cartman: Okey-dokey!
Kyle, Stan, Cartman: [they see something gross] AWWWWWW!
Stan: [pukes] Click it off, dude, click it off!
[Kyle clicks it off]
Stan: Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?

I am not educated enough to tell you why the Germans can give us buttloads of composers, philosophers and all of modern psychology and NOT give us a proper fucking toilet.  But I’m just going to assume that German men are not all emasculated, simpering fools who sit down each and every single time they have to take a piss.  I don’t believe that the treaty that ended the war had the clause “and you shall give up your arms, weapons, military bases, delusions of Aryan grandeur, nationalism and the God given right for your men to stand up to urinate from here on out.”

I am starting to be convinced that the Germans LOVE their sheisse--and not just because it made it all the way over to South Park, U.S.A.


Kackel Dackel, the crapping daschund toy for KINDER!


  1. Bravo!!! Fucking hilarious! And all the funnier because it's all true. Not a word of Schieße to be seen.
    If you don't pee standing then you're not a man. Simple. And the more piss you splash on the floor around the toilet the better - the more of a man you are.
    Germans can never say goodbye and find it hard to take leave of their Schieße - hence the need for an inspection shelf. Only after one last sniff, poke and cuddle, can they finally bear to flush another part of them away.

  2. ROFLMFAO!!!
    Thanks for the comments; I was a bit worried that nobody would comment. It's an awfully shitty post, actually. I am glad that you 1)haven't been consumed by The Nipper, and 2)that after the first week with The Nipper, you can still find ANYTHING sheisse related funny.
    Now you can put your foot down and inform the German Missus that The Nipper will be trained to stand to pee 5 minutes after he learns to stand.


    one last poke n cuddle....BWAH HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

  3. Oh my God. This is so effing funny. Good first post to read. Thanks, I am learning more and more about Berlin everyday.

  4. Yeah, it's good to learn about Germans from the bottom up. Heh.


    p.s. You can say 'fucking' instead of 'effing.' You're flying with the F-bombers now.

  5. I had to look up ROFLMFAO...

    You'll be happy to hear The Nipper already pisses on the floor. He doesn't even pretend to aim for the toilet, let alone stand.

  6. Good gawd, man! Put some diapers on the thing! We're not living on some pagan island! Um, then again, maybe we are.

    I gave u both level 6 (roflmfao) and 7 (bwah hahahahahahahah). Lucky bastard.


  7. Tolles blog! I am glad I found it! Thank you.

  8. Thanks, JR! I squeeze out a bit of my fruity, gooey jelly filling with each and every blog post! Glad you find it tolles und lecker!