Food seems to be a big concern in rich countries
recently. Not that they’ve run out, not
that they’ve sent it all to the starving African chilluns out of white guilt,
but the worry is that They are putting Shit into The Food. And We all know who They are: Monsanto. Apparently, our very digestion is at
stake. If We eat food grown from seeds
by Them, We are unwittingly condemning ourselves to bowel cancer on an
apocalyptic scale. You see, apparently, They
fuck with The Food.
I’m no stranger to food scares. Back when I was a starving student (O how I
miss those days and so does my waistline) studying in London
(I spent all my dough on the flight; hunger followed), I found a way to eat for
free from time to time: Hare. Fuckin. Krishna. In the midst of the infamous SoHo
red light district in London lies a
Hare Krishna temple-slash-vegetarian restaurant-slash-your-hair-into-a-baldy-pony-tail. I dragged my hungry ass there to sit and
listen to their Krishna chanting and the rumbling
bellies of others for an hour or so until they would feed us. I was happy with this arrangement as I was a
vegetarian at that time. Nobody tried to
convert me or cut my hair. But I believe
I caught a few of them looking at my long, flowing, hippie student pony tail
with lust.
Then I took some friends there. Then some bastard said to me: ‘You know They
fuck with The Food.’
‘Waddaya mean, Bugsy?’ I says to the mook.
‘They put Salt Peter in the Krishna
food.’
‘What the fuck, Chuck?’
‘Salt Peter makes yer wanger go all doughy like, see?’
At the time I was more concerned with my empty stomach than my
salty peter, so I threw that particular conspiracy theorist on the woodpile
with the rest of them who dared to disparage the starving student vegetarian
life.
Back to The Now. Now people say that They are fucking with
the global food supply. I have to take
issue. My food supply is constant and
unrelenting. I have the 300 lbs to prove
it.
‘The Evil Monsanto is doing evil things to poor little
plants and making them into Frankenplants!
Genetic modification, boooooo!’
Like what?
‘Fish DNA in tomatoes and
shit like that! Mllleeegggghfffft!’
I don’t eat tomatoes.
‘But THEY. Shouldn’t
PUT. SHIT. In our FOOD!’
They pump all sorts of hormones in milk and beef and the
women are milky and the men are beefy.
What’s your problem now?
‘I ! DO NOT! EAT MEAT! OR DRINK
MILK!!!’
Ok, now I’m starting to get it. You’re one of those silly little vegan fucks,
aren’t you? Well, good luck with the
micro-organic diet. I’m going to get a
STEAK AND GUINNESS PIE and wash it down with
EXTRA STRONG MICRO BREW STOUT. Please
enjoy your puke green wheatgrass tea and raw cabbage with the other sad little
fuckers in the corner over there. Take a
sad selfie while you’re at it. Then post
it on a Change the World website. Silly
Rabbit. Don’t you know? If we suddenly
stop eating meat, all those cows and pigs will wander into traffic and be
killed. And here you say you care for
animals.
Yes, I get it. You’re
worried about genetically modified foods, though your reasoning is about as
sound as any twitching, undernourished hippie’s could possibly be. The problem is with uber-Capitalism. The bigger the farm companies, the more
profits they need to make (rather than just food), so the more they need to
tweak things to produce larger crop yields and larger profits. They’re not spending millions on genetic
plant research just to fuck with some uppity vegans (as entertaining as that
may sound). They are ‘probably’ (don’t
really know and don’t really care) just trying to build a better tomato, one
which is resistant to pests and maybe even allows the use of less pesticide. Or it doubles the output and profits. If you don’t like this idea, you could always
grow your own veggies in a community plot outside of a squat in Berlin. You won’t even need salad dressing; all of
the puke, piss and vinegar from the punks will coat your sprouts for ya—in both
chunky ranch and balsamic.
The Overpriced Organic Grapes of Wrath
Veganism started off as any religion does, with strict rules
and practices. Don’t eat this, eat
that; dress this way, don’t dress that way. Fuck this way, not that way, and
only this type of person—but only after this ritual. Then it starts to propagate, like some
bacteria in a Petri dish. Soon it gets
on some lab assistant’s coat, leaves the lab and now you have an epidemic trend
on your hands.
When you walk into one of those organic / bio food shops,
you’ll notice the price of this particular religion is quite steep. Who in the
flying FUCK can afford these prices?
Maybe the twitchy little vegans in the corner taking selfies aren’t
skinny from the vegan diet—they just can’t afford the fucking thing. Have you seen the prices? It is a huge scam. The label says ‘bio’ or ‘organic’ so it costs
double. Why? Because the lack of pesticide use cuts the
crop in half, thus doubling the price?
No. Because the whole organic
thang is trendy, followed by trustafians, yuppies and other vapid individuals
who like to think that paying more for something is better. How do you know it’s organic? Because it says so on the label? Damn, there really is a sucker born every
minute. Any fool with a computer and a
printer can make a label. There is no way
to certify if something is truly pesticide free and organically grown as they
say. The government does not get
involved in verifying marketing claims—they only occasionally check the rat
turd levels in the sausages (which are tasty, by the way; that rich, smoky
flavor makes EVERYTHING tasty).
So the big trend is to slap a BIO
label on something and charge double.
And the suckers suck it down like tequila-swilling Tijuana
whores. Hell, it wouldn’t be so funny
if it wasn’t so goddamned stupid. I’ve even
seen a kiosk in P’berg selling (ahem) ‘Bio Currywurst.’
So apparently, vegans aren’t the only fools
falling for this BIO bollox.
