Food seems to be a big concern in rich countries recently. Not that they’ve run out, not that they’ve sent it all to the starving African chilluns out of white guilt, but the worry is that They are putting Shit into The Food. And We all know who They are: Monsanto. Apparently, our very digestion is at stake. If We eat food grown from seeds by Them, We are unwittingly condemning ourselves to bowel cancer on an apocalyptic scale. You see, apparently, They fuck with The Food.
I’m no stranger to food scares. Back when I was a starving student (O how I miss those days and so does my waistline) studying in London (I spent all my dough on the flight; hunger followed), I found a way to eat for free from time to time: Hare. Fuckin. Krishna. In the midst of the infamous SoHo red light district in London lies a Hare Krishna temple-slash-vegetarian restaurant-slash-your-hair-into-a-baldy-pony-tail. I dragged my hungry ass there to sit and listen to their Krishna chanting and the rumbling bellies of others for an hour or so until they would feed us. I was happy with this arrangement as I was a vegetarian at that time. Nobody tried to convert me or cut my hair. But I believe I caught a few of them looking at my long, flowing, hippie student pony tail with lust.
Then I took some friends there. Then some bastard said to me: ‘You know They fuck with The Food.’
‘Waddaya mean, Bugsy?’ I says to the mook.
‘They put Salt Peter in the Krishna food.’
‘What the fuck, Chuck?’
‘Salt Peter makes yer wanger go all doughy like, see?’
At the time I was more concerned with my empty stomach than my salty peter, so I threw that particular conspiracy theorist on the woodpile with the rest of them who dared to disparage the starving student vegetarian life.
Back to The Now. Now people say that They are fucking with the global food supply. I have to take issue. My food supply is constant and unrelenting. I have the 300 lbs to prove it.
‘The Evil Monsanto is doing evil things to poor little plants and making them into Frankenplants! Genetic modification, boooooo!’
‘Fish DNA in tomatoes and shit like that! Mllleeegggghfffft!’
I don’t eat tomatoes.
‘But THEY. Shouldn’t PUT. SHIT. In our FOOD!’
They pump all sorts of hormones in milk and beef and the women are milky and the men are beefy. What’s your problem now?
‘I ! DO NOT! EAT MEAT! OR DRINK MILK!!!’
Ok, now I’m starting to get it. You’re one of those silly little vegan fucks, aren’t you? Well, good luck with the micro-organic diet. I’m going to get a STEAK AND GUINNESS PIE and wash it down with EXTRA STRONG MICRO BREW STOUT. Please enjoy your puke green wheatgrass tea and raw cabbage with the other sad little fuckers in the corner over there. Take a sad selfie while you’re at it. Then post it on a Change the World website. Silly Rabbit. Don’t you know? If we suddenly stop eating meat, all those cows and pigs will wander into traffic and be killed. And here you say you care for animals.
Yes, I get it. You’re worried about genetically modified foods, though your reasoning is about as sound as any twitching, undernourished hippie’s could possibly be. The problem is with uber-Capitalism. The bigger the farm companies, the more profits they need to make (rather than just food), so the more they need to tweak things to produce larger crop yields and larger profits. They’re not spending millions on genetic plant research just to fuck with some uppity vegans (as entertaining as that may sound). They are ‘probably’ (don’t really know and don’t really care) just trying to build a better tomato, one which is resistant to pests and maybe even allows the use of less pesticide. Or it doubles the output and profits. If you don’t like this idea, you could always grow your own veggies in a community plot outside of a squat in Berlin. You won’t even need salad dressing; all of the puke, piss and vinegar from the punks will coat your sprouts for ya—in both chunky ranch and balsamic.
The Overpriced Organic Grapes of Wrath
Veganism started off as any religion does, with strict rules and practices. Don’t eat this, eat that; dress this way, don’t dress that way. Fuck this way, not that way, and only this type of person—but only after this ritual. Then it starts to propagate, like some bacteria in a Petri dish. Soon it gets on some lab assistant’s coat, leaves the lab and now you have an epidemic trend on your hands.
When you walk into one of those organic / bio food shops, you’ll notice the price of this particular religion is quite steep. Who in the flying FUCK can afford these prices? Maybe the twitchy little vegans in the corner taking selfies aren’t skinny from the vegan diet—they just can’t afford the fucking thing. Have you seen the prices? It is a huge scam. The label says ‘bio’ or ‘organic’ so it costs double. Why? Because the lack of pesticide use cuts the crop in half, thus doubling the price? No. Because the whole organic thang is trendy, followed by trustafians, yuppies and other vapid individuals who like to think that paying more for something is better. How do you know it’s organic? Because it says so on the label? Damn, there really is a sucker born every minute. Any fool with a computer and a printer can make a label. There is no way to certify if something is truly pesticide free and organically grown as they say. The government does not get involved in verifying marketing claims—they only occasionally check the rat turd levels in the sausages (which are tasty, by the way; that rich, smoky flavor makes EVERYTHING tasty).
So the big trend is to slap a BIO label on something and charge double. And the suckers suck it down like tequila-swilling Tijuana whores. Hell, it wouldn’t be so funny if it wasn’t so goddamned stupid. I’ve even seen a kiosk in P’berg selling (ahem) ‘Bio Currywurst.’
So apparently, vegans aren’t the only fools falling for this BIO bollox.