Friday, May 27, 2011

American Refugees

‘I have an idea that some men are born out of their due place. Accident has cast them amid certain surroundings, but they have always a nostalgia for a home they know not. They are strangers in their birthplace, and the leafy lanes they have known from childhood or the populous streets in which they have played, remain but a place of passage. They may spend their whole lives aliens among their kindred and remain aloof among the only scenes they have ever known. Perhaps it is this sense of strangeness that sends men far and wide in the search for something permanent, to which they may attach themselves. Perhaps some deep-rooted atavism urges the wanderer back to lands which his ancestors left in the dim beginnings of history. Sometimes a man hits upon a place to which he mysteriously feels that he belongs. Here is the home he sought, and he will settle amid scenes that he has never seen before, among men he has never known, as though they were familiar to him from his birth. Here at last he finds rest.’

 -W. Somerset Maugham, "The Moon and Sixpence," Ch. L

I posted this quote in the beginning of the rollicking tour de force that is the Dunkin' Berliner Blog.  The only thing I have to add is this: you can also remain an alien in whatever land(s) you settle in..  All you have to do is shut the fuck up and not talk to anybody.

Yes, I'm an anti-social fucker.  I prefer the companionship of jelly donuts to most of the people I meet. Misanthrope?  Maybe.  I think 'we who have lived outside our native countries for many years' (expat, shmexpat--I'm a refugee, mutha fucka) are tired of other expats most of all.  At least I am.  I stumbled into the Prater biergarten last night around 10pm and the joint was hopping.  Every table was occupied and you could barely hear a German word spoken.  If Al Qaeda wanted to rain down any of their monkey religion savagery on "Western Infidels", this would be one of the places (only not when I'm there.  If you read this and do that shitty thing you do in the name of your stupid fucking made up 'god' I will personally arrive in your afterlife and sew up all 72 virgins so you will have to remain a total jerk off for all of eternity.  No Sand Monkeys in MY fucking biergarten.  You've been warned.)

I digress.  I joined a table with an expat friend.  The Questions immediately ensued.  Which brings me to the point of this blog post:  What is the expat question you hate the most?

A)  Where are you from?
B)  How long have you been here?
C)  What do you do?
D)  And do you actually make money with that?
E)  All of the above.

The winner of today's poll will receive my personal accolades, personal mention and I'll hit the like button on yer fb page, even if it is some hokey New Age Bollox like yoga n shit.


This blog was brought to you by the Fund For Angry White Guys Abroad and the Navy Seals.  "Navy Seals:  Opening Up Economy Sized Cans of Whoop Ass since 1961!(tm)"


  1. Welcome back! Yes Berlin has too many fucking Auslanders in it. The only thing worse than the locals is the foreigners. The foreign locals are the worst. Everyone should just leave.
    However, there are ways to avoid them. Stay the fuck outta the Prater for a start. They don't even have spuds! Any bar in PBerg should be avoided really, to avoid yuppies, foreigners, locals and the irk of their ilk.

  2. I vote for item E...all of the above.

    I like the passage by W. Somerset Maugham at the beginning....

    As for places we belong, I know that I should be near an ocean....

  3. The questions to ask them are:
    have you ever been in a psychiatric hospital?
    have you ever been in prison?
    have you ever used a knife or firearm on someone or had someone use a knife or firearm on you?
    have you ever been homeless?
    That's it you're either a tourist or a refugee, the distinction needs to be made.

  4. Hyena: Do I have to answer 'yes' to all of your questions? If not, and only one or two of the above were true for me--then I'm a freakin' refugee.


  5. I think it would be best if used like the DSM an individual has to have two of the listed characteristics and oh I forgot to include accidently had your cock sucked by a transexual when you were seriously drunk and no I can't be PC and give the female equivalent of what accidently having your cock sucked by a transexual when you were seriously drunk is. Maybe it's getting seriously drunk and accidently having sex with someone like me.

  6. The coveted Dunkin' Berliner Expat of the Year Award goes to (drumroll):

    Jimmy the Hyena.

    Good job! You may collect your award from the well-dressed transgender individual at Zoo Station near the... well, you know.


  7. Thank you very much best I had in a long time. But anyway these people back in the States they would stay the fuck away from me, as someone having the basic profile of a white trash psychotic serial killer. Why the fuck do they think that they can get in my face here? I'm a EU citizen I can't be deported even if I kill them and they don't have the death penalty so I can't be executed and they'd pobably just send me to some sort of institution more like a hospital than a prison for five years and I could write my memoirs and become famous. Damn, why don't I kill these people? It's not fucking spring break here and if it was spring break in Mexico then you wouldn't disrepect the locals and twenty years here kinda makes me a local.

  8. Thank you for shining a light into the dark corners of my blog. You are just the kind of reader I cater to: angry, psychotic white trash refugee, just like me! :D


    p.s. Do they got DONUTS in them there hospitals?

  9. No donuts sorry. Maybe it's better that way because neuroleptics make people gain weight even without fried food. Don't let them classify you as psychotic those neuroleptics fuck you up bad. Try to convince them you have PTSD. Say you need some Xanax. Anyway when my next film is made all of this WILL change.