The theme to “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes” was running through my head as I read the news: Germans are stuffing cucumbers into their mouths, ruminating, swallowing, digesting, expelling-bloodily-out-the-wazzoo, then, sometimes, dying. This is the Dunkin’ Berliner Way™ of saying the E .Coli has hit the fan and nobody is safe.
I’ve never been a big fan of veggies. Even years ago when some crazy hippie girlfriend talked me into being a vegetarian, I mainly ate french fries and beer. And donuts. If someone would say to me “Dude! You KNOW that donuts are fried in animal fat and what the HELL are you doing?!” I would then rip their liver out and serve it with a nice Chianti. I was a shitty vegetarian.
I digress. How did I get from Killer Cucumbers to jelly donuts? Rhetorical question. Oh yeah: so the other day I was getting my weekly kebab from Tayfun’s Bistro on Schoenhauser Allee near Wisbyer str. (I recommend it. E. Coli free since 1989) and noticed they had none of the usual sliced cucumbers in their salad buffet line up. If I were still suffering from delusions of vegetarianism, I might have said ‘WTF! How can I like, get my like, falafel without cucumbers, dude!’ Fortunately, I’ve always hated cucumbers anyway (and most other raw veggies for that matter) so I am in no real danger of dying. So I asked the kindly kebabman to sling piles of cayenne pepper into my kebab to induce bloody diarrhea in lieu of the lack of properly-tainted E. Coli cucumbers. I totally appreciated the substitution. And WOW! what a spicy kebab!!! No, I really ate a kebab with a fistful of cayenne pepper just the other day. This concludes the factual part of the blog. We now continue with the comedic rant/satire portion of the blog, already in progress.
Some Germans just don’t get it. First the Deutschbags on High played the Blame the Spain Game and managed to cripple Spain’s entire economy (apparently veggies, salsa, salsa dancing and Being Chased by the Bulls represent the entire economy of Spain) by suggesting that the Evil Killer Cucumbers were sent from Spain due to some ancient grudge incurred by some ancient treaty which wasn’t honored. Ok, I made that up.
Germans REALLY don’t get it: today at the REWE market, piles of plastic wrapped cucumbers stared up at me like some deliberate, phallic fuck you to common sense. Like, HELLO? We are in NORTHERN GERMANY. And the people dying from the Killer Cucumbers are in NORTHERN GERMANY. But that won’t stop the steady march of Capitalist farmers from peddling their deadly wares on an unsuspecting P’berg neighborhood. Apparently by wrapping them in plastic and putting a sticker on the cucumbers which proclaimed ‘NICHT aus SPANIEN!!!’ that people would still buy them. Hell, if they wanted total safety they should have ditched the plastic wrap in favor of cucumber condoms.
The lady in line in front of me had not one but two cucumbers in her basket at the checkout stand. I was just thinking ‘GUT GOTT, woman!! How can you buy this? Don’t you read the news???’ Then she turned around and I saw that she had other more pressing problems. She had a hard face lined with years of abuse, alcohol, drugs, men/women or other types. She glared at me as if she was reading my mind and presented the stern face of consternation which lines the face of all Berliners who live on sauerkraut and booze. I then realized that the potential threat of death by bloody diarrhea was the LEAST of this woman’s problems. And that maybe, just maybe, she had no intention of eating those sanitized, wrapped-in-plastic cucumbers, monster sized. God DAMN, I’m a dirty fucker.