It was only a matter of time before I broached the
subject. I was going to breach the
subject, break on through to the other side; leave it leaking, as it were. But my deliberate malapropisms merely confuse
people. Perhaps it’s the redneck accent
in which I deliver the news.
I’m avoiding again; sorry.
Okay: shit, piss, pinkel and
sheisse. There, I’ve gone and said
it. I’ve had to drink and eat large
amounts of beer and donuts while living in Berlin. As a result, I’ve had to look at the
ridiculous sticker on my toilet lid for quite a while now: the silhouette of the peeing man with the
line through him, the ‘don’t pee standing’ sticker, or the
‘keinenpinkelnbestandungschweinhund’ as it simply said in simple German. Of course this must have been left by the
previous tenants, no doubt a fine German family of upstanding social status and
non-standing pissing status, a family with a large, strong woman who beat her
poor, emasculated-post-war-Moby-maybe-man with her terrible swift loo brush.
Then someone told me that it was normal for German men to
sit down while peeing, that it was necessary to avoid the splash of urine onto
the sacred seat above. Right. The country known for its uber-efficiency in
ALL OTHER THINGS designed this paltry device:
The Trophy Toilet. It’s that
peculiar flat shelf directly in the center of the toilet where normally there
would be a wide open space full of a gallon of water. It’s what we in the West have been using
since the barn and the outhouse. We went
directly from crapping in a hole in the ground to the Powerflush 2000. I once read that a measure of a culture is in
the way it deals with its waste products.
A lot can be said about a culture which moves too quickly. Perhaps we missed a great deal of culture
when we decided that it was better to mask, drown and dispose of our waste as
quickly as possible. Maybe the Germans were
onto something when they decided to keep their waste hovering directly below
the lid for easy inspection and diagnosis of all the nut and corn content of
their fibrous feces.
Sure, it had to be a logical, medical, holistic reason that
the flat shelf was there, hoisting my gawdawful anal progeny high above the low
water mark where it can choke me with the stench, or when standing to pee, splash
back with a thrust in direct proportion to the amount of beer I had
consumed. There can be no other
explanation for this uber-inefficiency, this blatant disregard for culture from
the culture who gave us so much, y’know….culture. UNLESS…
American Culture Answers German Culture: The South
Park German Sheisse Video.
[person speaking German on "cliteris" website]
Kyle: Dude, it's a lady getting pooed on!
Stan: Whoa! Is it Cartman's mom?
Cartman: Oh, very funny!
Kyle: Hey! It IS Cartman's mom!
Mrs. Cartman: [man speaking German on computer] All righty
then!
Cartman: SON OF A BI...
[shocks]
Cartman: AHHH!
Ike: [bounces in] Ba ba ba ba.
Kyle: Get out of here, Ike. You're too young for this stuff!
Ike: Bullshit.
Stan: What's she doing now?
German: Essen
meine scheisse.
Mrs. Cartman: Okey-dokey!
Kyle, Stan, Cartman: [they see something gross] AWWWWWW!
Stan: [pukes] Click it off, dude, click it off!
[Kyle clicks it off]
Stan: Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?
I am not educated enough to tell you why the Germans can
give us buttloads of composers, philosophers and all of modern psychology and
NOT give us a proper fucking toilet. But
I’m just going to assume that German men are not all emasculated, simpering
fools who sit down each and every single time they have to take a piss. I don’t believe that the treaty that ended
the war had the clause “and you shall give up your arms, weapons, military bases,
delusions of Aryan grandeur, nationalism and the God given right for your men
to stand up to urinate from here on out.”
I am starting to be convinced that the Germans LOVE their
sheisse--and not just because it made it all the way over to South
Park, U.S.A.
Footnotes:
Chocolate poo: http://www.schokoscheisse.de/
Kackel Dackel, the crapping daschund toy for KINDER!
